The Pitch

　　 If El Mariachi and Crank had a baby, and that baby was really really stupid, and then that baby crawled around shooting people without foley-mixing making big “boom” sounds, then that baby would be this movie.

　　 The Humans

　　 Jerry Lloyd, Thom Doty and Roy Stanton. “Written” and “directed” by Sam Akina.

　　 The Nutshell

　　 Thom Doty plays ex-convict Cash, straight out of prison and a-looking for vengeance. He went on what the movie advertisements refer to as a "roaring rampage of revenge." He roared. And he rampaged. And he got bloody satisfaction. He’s killed a hell . . .  Uh . . . Wait . . . He’s looking for vengeance against the man who killed his wife before he went to prison. And when he finds him, he’s going to kill Bill. Oh crap. Kill Hector Gonzales.

　　 The Lowdown

　　 Most movies seem to have a moment that summarizes the film itself. (ooh! So meta!) In my recent review of Fame I noted how it was a moment regarding people never reaching their full potential. For you out there watching The Lord of the Rings, perhaps it is when Sam puts Frodo on his back to carry him up Mt. Doom. Whatever it may be most movies have these moments of meta-symbolism. (Alliteration!) For Sam Akina’s Ca$h, this moment occurs at a point where no less then 20 characters all have their guns drawn on one another and one yells, “What the hell is going on?” What the hell is going on? Indeed, sir, indeed.

　　 Ca$h is not a good movie. That is for sure. It’s a bad movie: confusing, muddled and poor in every aspect you could anticipate. What I will do, however, is evaluate it on a scale of understanding bad movies. “Is it a good bad movie?” one must ask one’s self. For Ca$h is out-and-out a B movie to its core.

　　 Ca$h opens with its titular character narrating a montage of bloody shots saying, “I’ve only ever been good at two things: killing people, and I forgot the other one. And I’m the toughest, meanest, dirtiest, most rottenest son-of-a-bitch you’ve ever met.” It then proves it by showing us a flashback of Cash shooting his way down a street after a (botched?) bank robbery. He cuts through civilians like Rambo through Thai pedophiles. It then cuts to 10 years in the future when Cash is released from prison, ready for revenge. That begs the question: Who gets only 10 years in prison for slaughtering several civilians and cops in a bank robbery? In any case, immediately after leaving prison Cash begins killing his way towards drug dealer Hector Gonzales (Jerry Lloyd) leaving a trail of bodies like breadcrumbs leading him back home.

　　 Cash’s unrelenting pursuit of Gonzales sets into motion a series of events that involve a drug turf war, attempted hits, botched body deliveries and a mentally handicapped hit man resembling Marty Feldman on steroids. It also reveals Gonzales to be the most inept leader of a cartel in the existence of drug running, a drug lord who has no clue where his bodyguards are at any time and gives the most important business to the handicapped hitman. It’s only a matter of time until his grey matter plays catch with a bullet. The movie plods along determinedly with stops every so often for action sequences that excel only in their mediocre cheesiness. A few scenes allow themselves to go sufficiently over-the-top in their gore for some good entertainment, but most just kind of toddle along like the protagonist: stupidly and unrelenting.

　　 The film hits every point it needs to. There’s violence, there’s some semblance of a plot, there’s a redemptive monologue for Cash to deliver to a hooker, and the two obligatory scenes: a montage of every gang prepping for the big shootout and repeatedly cocking their guns, and a gangster throwing his coat off and brandishing a revolver in each hand, blasting left and right as he walks toward (and-slash-or away from!) the camera. The film also attempts to class itself up a bit by exercising stylistic flourishes. There are almost more shots from below looking up (usually into the barrel of a gun) in Ca$h as there are dutch angles in Doubt. The aforementioned double-handgun scene gives us a brief split-screen of the POV of each gun. But none of these flourishes carry any energy or add anything interesting to the film, so they lay moot.

　　 The film, while entertaining at times, has no sense of cohesive narrative structure. It’s told largely out of sequence, and not on purpose. (Except for the flashbacks) There are whole sequences out of order, and not in some fun Memento sort of way, you know, with purpose. The writing and acting is of the level usually reserved for late night Cinemax porn. Jerry Lloyd as Gonzales is the most unconvincing villain you could imagine. Try to picture John Glover, but emaciated and without any of the cunning and menace that Glover can occasionally muster. Thom Doty as Cash simply seems to be auditioning for the role of Mickey Rourke as Marv. He walks through the film growling his lines and constantly looking for a fight by flashing people the Forest Whitaker eye.

　　 The film stretches on between action beats with a jumbled narrative involving the different cartels in the local drug syndicate and the escalation to some kind of rivalry and turf war. It honestly makes little sense. Within this narrative none of the characters really act with any logic or sense. (And I know it’s futile to ask for logic and sense for a B movie of this caliber) When Cash breaks up the giant Mexican standoff of cartels and announces he is here to kill Gonzales, everyone just turns and decides to shoot at Cash himself. Forget the fact that most of those people were there to kill Gonzales, as well.

　　 Moving forward without logic is descriptive of the film Ca$h as well as the character. He continues forward no matter what gets thrown at him. A perfect double feature could be made by watching Ca$h and Meet the Parents. Both films operate on the same principle: see how much can happen to the protagonist and still leave them standing. Ca$h does reach farcical proportions by the end. Cash has been shot numerous times, fought an entire fight with a butcher’s knife in his back and has even been side-swiped by a car. Yet he still keeps plodding forward. Perhaps it’s the nature of farce evident by the end, but I actually enjoyed the film’s final moments, which act as a perfect culmination of all of the absurd events beforehand. But it still doesn’t save that most of what comes beforehand is crap.

　　 As far as bad films go, Ca$h isn’t even that good, but it’s hard to completely dislike. Even though most of the film is a ridiculous confuddled mess, it offers a few entertaining moments that redeem it from utter pointlessness. It’s hard to hate a film where a man stabs another man through the chest with the barrel of a shotgun, or where one man lifts another man from the balls until he vomits blood. But these moments are few and far between. That said, with the right group of friends and a few drinks Ca$h could possibly offer a good night of entertainment. It’s good for a few laughs, and could be a buddy-bonding movie. B movie action fans could perhaps appreciate it better than I. But it’s still pretty bad for a bad movie. And if you’re looking for a good drunken buddy B movie, there are far better ones you could pick.