Like Mike is a star vehicle for pint-sized rapper "Lil' Bow Wow". Considering that fact, it's appropriate to say the following about the film: woof, woof.

　　 It is quite possible to have a child's wish fulfillment fantasy that's as enjoyable for adults as it is for kids (Big would be an example). All that's necessary is for the screenwriters to put some thought into the script. However, in a day and age when the writer is increasingly becoming the least important part of the Hollywood equation, that's often too much to ask. The result is something akin to Like Mike, a soulless jumble of ineptly assembled cliches and pabulum that plays like a 95-minute commercial for NBA properties. (Ironically, the title character, Michael Jordan, does not appear in the film - although dozens of other basketball stars are more than willing to mug for the camera for a few seconds.)

　　 Boys under the age of nine (or thereabouts) will, for the most part, enjoy this movie. But, as I have said in countless other reviews of bad children's flicks, it's in the nature of kids not to be discriminating. Adults who accompany their offspring to the local multiplex will be thrown into a state of abject despair. Sure, the movie represents a child's fantasy - orphan boy finds magic shoes and suddenly becomes an NBA superstar - but it is so clinical in its approach that no genuine sense of feeling or emotion comes across. This is, at best, a poorly conceived made-for-TV production projected onto the big screen. It has enough appealing snippets to fill a 30-second TV promo, but, beyond that, it is brain-dead and character-less - a cynical attempt to lure children into theaters. Director John Schultz (who helmed the serviceable teen romantic comedy, Drive Me Crazy) should be ashamed of himself for collaborating on such a journey into crass commercialism. It's rare to see a movie that is so focused on the selling of its chief product.

　　 Calvin Cambridge (Lil' Bow Wow) is an orphan. Growing up in the Chesterfield Group Home under the watchful eye of self-serving Stan Bittleman (Crispin Glover) and kindly Sister Theresa (Anne Meara), Calvin spends time playing basketball with his two best friends, Murph (Jonathan Lipnicki) and Reg (Brenda Song), and tussling with the local bully, Ox (Jesse Plemons). Then, one day everything changes when Cinderella... er, Calvin... discovers a pair of magic sneakers that make him play "like Mike" (actually, much better). When he displays his newfound abilities during a half-time promotion at a Los Angeles Knights game, the owner's representative (Eugene Levy) wants to sign him to a contract. The idea is for him to sit on the bench and boost attendance, but Coach Wagner (Robert Forster) decides to let him play - and he leads the Knights to a come-from-behind victory. The crowd goes wild. ESPN and NBC take notice. Suddenly, Calvin is a national sensation, much to the displeasure of his disgruntled room-mate, superstar Tracey Reynolds (Morris Chestnut). Now, all that has to happen is for Calvin to lead the Knights into the playoffs while learning the lesson of the importance of being himself.

　　 The on-court scenes are filmed with a lackluster indifference that is surprising. One would have expected an NBA-backed motion picture to at least get that much right. In a film like Hoosiers, everyone in the audience knows deep down who's going to win the big game, but effective filmmaking plants a seed of doubt. This makes the game sequences enjoyable, and, to an extent, suspenseful. Not so in Like Mike, where such scenes are perfunctory opportunities for cameos by NBA luminaries like Allen Iverson, Jason Kidd, and David "The Admiral" Robinson. At the end of Hoosiers, we feel the irrational desire to jump up and cheer. At the end of Like Mike, a yawn represents a passionate response.

　　 Stranded in this mess are a couple of competent actors: Robert Forster and Morris Chestnut. Forster has the easier job - all he has to do is play the dour coach whose dialogue is primarily composed of traditional sports movie cliches. Chestnut, on the other hand, has to keep his dignity while coated with orange paint. (Mercifully, paint replaces sewage as the messy fluid of choice in this particular film.) Chestnut also displays a fair amount of athleticism and basketball ability (although that could be the result of clever editing). As for Lil' Bow Wow, my advice is that he should not quit his day job. Aside from the times when he displays a certain wide-eyed enthusiasm at his character's sudden stardom, he's pretty bland. Emotional moments are clearly not his forte. Yet Lil' Bow Wow isn't the worst child actor in the film - that distinction belongs to Jonathan Lipnicki (the delightful kid in Jerry Maguire), who is simply awful.

　　 Is Like Mike harmless? As harmless as any 95-minute commercial can be. On home video, this film should have more appeal than in theaters. (Although, with something like Scooby Doo turning into a blockbuster, who can say what will reel in the big bucks these days?) At least on VHS/DVD, kids can watch the film unchaperoned, and can turn it off when they get bored. As for the potential adult audience... I can think of at least two good drinking games that can be played while viewing Like Mike.
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