《孔雀东南飞》原是语文课本中的一篇古文，但也被广泛地用到了课本剧的改编之中，其中还有搞笑的版本。

　　Wanderseveryfivemiles

　　焦仲卿Johnny(Jforshort)刘兰芝Lunch(Lforshort)

　　焦母Johnny’smother(JMforshort)刘母Lunch’smother(LMforshort)

　　太守之子Mayor’sson(MSforshort)强盗Burglars(ABandC)

　　Prologue

　　(J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)

　　J:EverybodysaysthatI’mhenpecked,butinfact,I’masstrongasatiger,(小声)whilemy

　　wifeisWuSong.

　　(指着上台处的门大声道)I’mnotafraidofyou!

　　(内砸出一脸盆,J接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,I’mafraidofwhom?

　　MywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.Sheisbraverthanme,

　　smarterthanmeandstrongerthanme.AllthisIdonotcare.Ionlywanthertobetender

　　thanme.Butsheisnot!Havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!

　　(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)

　　MyGod!Whocanhelpme?(下)

　　Act1

　　(序幕结束时,JM作偷听状)

　　JM(拄拐棍上):Ican!

　　(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Whereareyou?

　　L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’mhere!What’supmum?

　　JM:I’vetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefuland

　　dearestmother-in-law”.

　　L:OK.Mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,what’sup?

　　JM:Sinceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadly.Youhavebeensorude,sobrusque,so

　　lazy……

　　L:But……

　　JM:Neverinterruptme!

　　L:Neverinterruptme!SinceImarriedyourson,thatterribleJohnny,Ihavebeenworkinghardall

　　daylong,cookingandwashing.Ihaveraisedtensofthousandsofpigsandducksandchicken

　　and……

　　JM:Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!

　　L(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh,youwantagrandson,don’tyou?(开始解围裙)Goandaskyour

　　son.I’mleaving!(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下)

　　Act2

　　(LM坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上)

　　L:Mum,I’mback!

　　LM:Youareback?Why?Whathappened?

　　L:Iwaskickedoutbymymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother–in-law.

　　LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!Ihavealreadytoldyou!Whenyouinsistedon

　　marryingthatterribleJohnny,Itoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoor,butyoudidnotlisten

　　tome.Lookatyourself……

　　L:But,mum……

　　LM:Neverinterruptme!

　　L:Mum,I’mnotinterruptingyou.IjustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysrightOK?And

　　I’llmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.

　　LM(大喜):Nicegirl!Justnow,Imetthemayor’ssoninthemarket.Hesaid:“Ifyoudaughter

　　Haven’tbeenmarried,Ireallyreallywanttomarryher!”Nowyouarefreeagain,I’llgo

　　andtellhim.(下)

　　L(惊愕):What?Themayor’sson?Themostfamousplayboyintheneighbor-hood?(手中的锅

　　铲掉在地上)WhatasillythingIhavedone!(下)

　　Act3

　　(J睡眼惺忪上)

　　J(边走边道):Lunch!Lunch!Wherearemysocks?

　　(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Heretheyare!(闻一下) Er!Howsmelly!Theyarestilldirty!

　　(突然想起)Lunchhasgone!Ihavetowashthemmyself.

　　(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh,I’msohungry!Butthere’snobreakfast!(捡起地上的围

　　裙)ThisiswhatLunchalwayswears!Imisshersomuch,andherexcellentcookingskill!Now

　　shehasgone.Ihavetocookformymotherandmyself.

　　JM(上):Where’smybreakfast?Where’sLunch?Hasn’tshegotupyet?

　　J:Mum,can’tyouremember?Lunchhasgone!

　　JM(沉吟片刻):Well,totellyouthetruthJohnny,asonwithoutawifeisuseless.Lunchisanice

　　girl,goandtakeherback!

　　J(立正敬礼):Yesmadam!

　　Act4

　　(J开心地走着,忽然跳出来三个强盗)

　　A:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!

　　Theroadisbuiltbyme!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)

　　B:AndIplantedonetree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)

　　C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---(欲踩石头,但踩到了A的脚)

　　AB&C:Giveusallyourmoney!

　　J(搜遍了每一个口袋,掏出1角硬币):Is1maoenough?

　　(三强盗晕倒状,接着三人聚在一边商量)

　　A:Whatbadluck!Thisguyisbroken!

　　B:Ifwecannotrobanymoneytoday,wewillhavenothingtoeattonight!

　　C:Iheardthatthemayor’ssonisgoingtomarryMissLiuLanzhinextmonth.WEcangoand

　　robthewedding!

　　A&B:Goodidea!

　　J(惊讶):What?What?Lunchisgoingtogetmarried?It’simpossible!

　　AB&C:Why?Aprettygirlandarichman,whatagoodcouple!

　　J:ButLunchismywife!Wehaven’tgotdivorcedyet!

　　(突然有了主意)I’vegotanidea!Youaregoingtorobthewedding,don’tyou?I’llgo

　　withyou.YoutakethemoneyandItakethebride.

　　B:Haveyougotanyexperience?

　　J:No.ButI’vegotthis!(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票,上书$1,000,000)

　　Act5

　　(转眼已到了婚礼之期.MS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上,J盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)

　　(J和三强盗跃至台中)

　　ABC&J:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!

　　A:Theroadisbuiltbyme!

　　B:AndIplantedonetree.

　　C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---

　　J:Giveusallyourmoney!

　　(L听到J的声音,掀起了盖头)

　　L(惊喜万分):Johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到J的身边并躲到了的身后)

　　(MS大怒,挥拳向J打来.J矮身一躲,MS打中了J身后的L,L晕倒)

　　J(火冒三丈):Howdareyoubeatmywife!(挥拳向MS冲去)

　　(J与MS混战,JM上,以拐杖击晕MS)

　　(J将MS胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)

　　J(扶起L,关切地问):Honey,howareyou?

　　L(哭状):Ihurtalot!

　　J:Don’tcrybaby.I’llgoandfetchthemedicine. (下)

　　L(起身去追):Waitforme! (跑下)

　　(音乐起 CanYouCelebrate)