JOKE 1
Wife talking to her husband (who reads newspaper all day): I wish I were a newspaper so I‘ll be in your hands all day.
Husband: I wish that too, so I could change you daily

JOKE 2
A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
The father replied: I don ‘t know son. I ‘m still paying!!

JOKE 3
At midnight father saw that his married son leaving home... He asks him: what are you doing?
The son replied: Dad I am fed up with my life! My newly marriage is not going well, my wife and my mom keep fighting with each other! I have to pay bills for my in-laws, and I hate this life!!! I want to go far from here, I want to taste every joy of life, and I want to have every fun of life!!!
Father said: Wait!!!!!!!! I am ing with you

JOKE 4
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week pany training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answered: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?
The husband laughed and said: An English girl!!!
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picked her up in the airport and asked: So honey, how was the trip?
The wife: Very good, thank you.
The husband: And, what happened to my present?
The wife: Which present?
The husband: What I asked for: the English girl?
The wife: Oh, that! Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait a few months to see if it’s a girl!!!

JOKE 5
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn ‘t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for? " The husband replies, "autumn. "

JOKE 6
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks( 打 ) him on the head with a frying pan. "What the hell was that for? " he asks. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary Ellen written on it, " she replies. Don ‘t be silly, " he says. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races( 赛马 ), Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on. " She seems satisfied at this, and she apologizes. Three days later he ‘s again sitting in his chair reading when she nails( 打，俚语 ) him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he es around, he asks again, "What the hell was that for? " "Your fucking horse just phoned. "

JOKE 7
Wife to husband: you were so drunk last night that you insulted your boss.
Husband: piss on him! Wife: you did and he fired you!
Husband: fuck him!
Wife: I did and you can go back to work tomorrow.

JOKE 8
A couple drove several miles down a country road with intense silence. Not a word was said to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede his position. As they passed a barnyard of mules( 骡子 ) and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours? " "Yep, " the husband replied, "in-laws ".one girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.

有个女孩向神父告解她所犯的罪………

girl: father, i have sinned.

女孩：神父，我有罪

preacher: what did you do, little girl?

神父：孩子，你犯了什麽罪呢？

girl: yesterday, i called a man a “son of a bitch.“

女孩：昨天，我骂了某个男人一句　「你这个狗娘养的　」

preacher: why? what did he do to you?

神父：为什麽？他对你做了什麽吗？

girl: he touched my breast.

女孩：他……他摸我的胸部

preacher: you mean like this? (the guy did it.)

神父：你是说像这样子吗？（神父伸手摸女孩的胸部）

girl: (a little shy from the touch) yes.

女孩：（因为神父的举动而有一些害羞）嗯……是的

preacher: that“s no reason to call him that.

神父：只是这样子的话你没有理由骂他啊

girl: but he also took off my cloth.

女孩：但是……他又把我的衣服脱掉……

preacher: you mean like this? (he did it again.)

神父：你是说像这样子吗？（神父动手脱掉女孩的衣服）

girl: yes, that“s what he did.

女孩：是的，是这样子没错

preacher: that“s still no reason to call him that.

神父：可是这样子你还是没有理由骂他啊

girl: and he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...

女孩：然後……他把他的……那个……放到我的……那个……里面……

preacher: (evil laugh...) you mean like this? (and you-know-what)

神父：（奸笑貌）你是说像这样子吗？（神父和女孩就那个那个了）

girl: (after a few minutes...) ugh... yeah, that“s what he did...

女孩：（数分钟後）喔……是的……就是这样子………

preacher: my dear girl, that“s still no reason to call him a...

神父：我亲爱的孩子，就算是这样你还是没有理由骂他「你这个………」

girl: but he had aids!!

女孩：但是他有爱滋病呀!!

preacher: that son of a bitch!!!

神父：那个狗娘养的!!!